Sunday, October 2, 2011

Autumn, 2011

It is here.
The sun is lowing itself right into my eyes, and the Aspens are turning on the mountain.
A few weeks ago I was oh so mellow and grateful that I had experienced a plateau in the topsey turvey stumbling along of my life.
I never expect  people that have wronged me to come back for more, but they do. 
I honestly do not understand the attraction of reopening wounds and rubbing salt in them, not the effort anyone would put into it to do so. It is in my DNA I guess, but this has happened two or three times this summer.
I get that I am alone and unmatchworthy. I get that. I can live my life in relative happiness even though I do not have love. But Why does anyone think it is ok to reappear into someones life and drag them through the mud again?

What a good and true friend asked, and I ask as well, WHY are they reappearing, just as I settle into my life and find peace?

And these are relationships that I am NOT proud of, seriously.
I totally threw away time, energy and emotion on these ne'r do wells..And they made as much of a fool out of me as humanly possible to as many people as humanly possible.
I mean it is crystal clear there is no love lost there, yet they come back to do it again... ??

I am understandably confused.

I really have no reason to be so concerned about whether I am in any kind of relationship or if the ass clowns of the past come back, because I seriously have a good life. I am not wealthy, but I can live on my own, I rent a beautiful little adobe house in Santa Fe NM and am gainfully employed, fully insured and have a daughter who loves me whole heartedly. Honestly, you can't ask for too much more.

In truth these people are pretty unimportant.
Yes, I get mad and have rants about how cold and heartless they are, but...
Really, I am much batter off being away from them and I know it.

Happy New Year, Pagans!!

Friday, September 16, 2011

To Heal Or Not to Heal...

I have a sort of blessing/curse thing that happens when I get "involved" with people, men in particular.
What happens is that I soon find myself "seeing" what his difficulties in life are, what is amiss in his energetic field and his karmic history.
I find myself healing these things as that is what I do, and I give it freely, but then it turns into ALL that that person was in my life for and when these things get healed, they have a wake up moment and look at me and realize I am the furthest thing from what they even can stand in a woman and leave me in very hurtful ways.
They seem to come back to me at intervals (quite unwittingly) to get more healing or whatever, and then poof they are gone again after looking at me and telling me how ungodly I am or too this or too that or not worthy of love etc... of course, I have just expended mass amounts of love and light and spiritual yummy goodness into them, so it kind of ruins my warm fuzzies.
I know it is my "job" to help even these people, but just once before I leave this life, I would like to experience someone who is not JUST in need of healing and who would look at me with love and acceptance.
Just once.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

By Way of an Introduction.

I have been half in this world and half in other worlds since before I was born.
I believe this is the result of not only the circumstances of my birth, but being born into generations of women who were psychically  endowed.
My grandmother saw people who had passed and talked to saints and spirits all the time. She would see and speak to Jesus in times of distress. She was anything but a religious woman, she hated religion. She would see The Christ of God.
I remember when my grandfather passed, the lights would go on and off in rooms where no one was, and my grandmother would say it was my grandfather. She would tell stories of seeing her father after he passed and talking to this person or that person after they passed. My grandfather, too, claimed to have seen her father after he passed, walking around in the house where they lived. Where I lived later, as a sickly child.
Now this was in the 60's. It wasn't popular to talk about such things. There was no syfi channel, no Ghost Hunters tv show and John Edwards probably hadn't even been born yet.
My grandmother played solitaire on an old Ouija board. My brother still has it in his home. She read ordinary playing cards, as divination. She'd have me shuffle them three times and she would lay the entire deck out and divine the future. I remember being completely mystified by it. She would also read tea leaves and was very superstitious. These are the things I remember about her.
I think she would have loved my daughter. My daughter reminds me of her in many ways sans the meanness. And we have both dreamed about my grandmother on the same nights, even though my daughter never met her, she has dreams about her.
When I was a small kid, we used to take extended holidays in Santa Fe, where I now live. We would stay in a little guest house that was owned by a woman they called my God mother, her name was Lois. From what I remember of her she was very kind and funny. She was full of ghost stories too. We would get together with other relatives of hers and have seances and levitate big tables. These big oak tables would move clear across a room and dance on one leg as if they weighed nothing!
In my childhood, this was just what we did. There was nothing weird or unnatural about it.
The unseen was as natural as the seen.
I suppose that is why I had such a propensity for the occult sciences and shamanic realms. Early childhood exposure.